I never cared for Mom – I never liked her – until 3 years ago. (And in childhood.)

Now I love her. We go almost everywhere together, and we have great fun. Everyone loves Momma.

Now another recipe for hell has struck Mom – terrible sweating while feeling cold, perhaps due to a chronic infection in her sternum, or perhaps due to the treatment (prolonged use of antibiotics), coupled with pain in her sternum, so she sleeps for 2 minutes then utters “Ow! Oh!” all night long, and we go through 7 shirts and 4 towels per night. Someday, not yet, but someday, I will feel compelled to release her from misery. I hope not, but I fear it’s inevitable. I have delighted in finding richness in life-with-Alzheimer’s. At this stage, where Mom sometimes forgets her own name, and how to use a bathroom, it still seems like we can enjoy life regardless of Alzheimer’s. But I know it will get worse yet, and when it’s coupled with other severe sickness, oh God, I’m scared.

If only euthanasia were accepted, I wouldn’t fear I would have to kill her.

What’s the loving thing to do with a chronically severely suffering pet? Euthanasia.

When doctors remove life support, it’s not called euthanasia or murder. Mom’s not attached to a physical machine, but I’ve become a machine to help her (a happy machine), and without help, she would be dead. So if I remove myself, will it not be called euthanasia or murder? No, but it will be called what it is – neglect. Neglect would be the ‘method’ most painful for everyone, but (don’t take my opinion as legal advice) it would carry the least penalty. (Or could it be construed as 2nd degree murder?)

I have dreams and plans which seem to survive any setback, so I expect I would skip the suicide, and try to live free in jail. But I feel for people who think murder-suicide is the only way out.

And I don’t want Mom to commit suicide. (Before I loved her, she would lash out “I should just kill myself”.) Although a ritual self-sacrifice could be beautiful. But I can’t say that. Because it’s not polite, and it’s not wise, or intelligent, or true. (I’m still seeking to grow my imagination beyond that idea.)

To go .. over the top: why does Mom get 50 times more resources than 1/2 the world’s people? Caregiving is not even virtuous – it’s sacrificing others so Mom can experience reasonable pleasure, and be pleasurable – unless I ignore her call for sweets and entertainment. And health care.

I don’t want any of these questions entering into our relationship, but when Mom’s whimpering and suffering means I can’t sleep, I feel these questions, and so here I’m trying to face them.

I had similar fears before, and found we could love life with Alzheimer’s (thus far, at least). I hope to keep expanding the limits of my universe, so we can know Love/God in every moment, in any circumstance. But perhaps I’m just delaying the inevitable.

Yes, I know, anything I say can be used in a court of law against me.

Additions to the original::

The majority of this website is attempts to answer this question – how can I not kill Mom? How can we create life/home/a world of love?

Perhaps I should let this be spoken in our home. Perhaps it raises the [saliency] of life, not to mention gets us fully beyond secrets and lies.

Perhaps the desire for sweets and entertainment can be met by being present – what she really wants is love and play. Or perhaps the desire can be met by doing good – what she really wants is to feel that she is participating in Creation.

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Categories: Confessions
Tags » Alzheimer's | Caregiving | Confessions | despair | elder abuse | love | Momma | violence

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